november 12 2025
it's my birthday tomorrow and my bank account is overdrawn and i'm out of smoke lol. that surgery for beans threw me for a loop and i'm still recovering from that financially. it'll be fine!!
november 9 2025
things are better than they have been. mark and i took a walk in the cemetery this morning which was nice.
it was the 4th anniversary of coach's death yesterday. i still miss him. if anyone is reading this -- he wasn't my coach, he was my boss, my chef, at one of my old jobs. i just called him that. he was funny, quiet, laid-back. he was a great chef and a great dude, easy to work for and always took any opportunity he could to teach me something, because he knew i was paying attention and wanted to learn. he argued with higher-ups for me to get chef's assistant pay when we shut down for covid even though i didn't have the title yet, but had been doing the work, and that meant i got paid for the rest of the semester even though we couldn't be in the kitchen. it made a huge difference and i wasn't expecting him to do that at all. i hope wherever he is now, there's cold beer and a lake full of fish.
november 3 2025
SCREAMING INTO THE VOID FOREVER I AM SO GODDAMN STRESSED OUT
my job is pissing me off my husband is making me sad as fuck not intentionally but still and the whole world is burning down shit is so fucking bad and i'm trying to be pleasant and stay hopeful but fuck. and i know i have it good. i live a very privileged life that i need to be grateful for. i just feel fucking crazy and lost and aimless lately and it's fucking hard not to be hopeless!! it's hard not to give in to self-loathing for the things i feel like i've failed at and to not feel overwhelmed by the feeling that i can't fix anything!! universe please let my paycheck tomorrow be more than i estimated. i feel stuck and i feel stupid for feeling that way. i feel like i fucked everything up so long ago and keep on doing it that i've just fundamentally ruined my life but i also feel like that's me being weak and lazy at my core because of course i could fix things but when it comes down to it i haven't done some of the things i want to just because i'm scared of failure so i don't put in the effort. this is stupid. i'm done typing.